Self Discovery and Self-Diagnosis
This week’s entry is primarily unrelated to gaming at all, so if you’re looking for gaming stuff, you won’t find it here this week. This week is about some self-discovery I’ve been experiencing this last week, and so may be kinda messy. You have been warned.
Last Monday, the TV droned on while I did other things. Katie Couric’s show came on, and they started discussing how a psychological problem had affected a pretty older lady and a man about my age. Being a sucker for a pretty face, I paid more attention. Both described their personal battles with ADHD, and the negative impacts on their lives. There was also a doctor who was treating them and was himself an adult with ADHD. It came out in the course of the segment that many children with ADHD never outgrow it, much less even have it diagnosed.
All of these folks described things I’ve experienced. It took a while for that to soak in; nearly a week, even. Impulsive behavior, not completing projects, temperament issues. And then something came along and distracted me (Hint: another symptom).
On Friday, I got the dubious honor of being lead driver for the first time. Lead driver is basically a dispatch sort of job, figuring out who is where and can get where, tracking cars transported, etc. It kinda came about because I was the one willing to do it, and the only one truly capable who wasn’t pissed off at management. Two of the drivers had been reprimanded at the start of the shift (and wanted nothing to do with the job), one driver was the wife of one of the reprimanded drivers, one was deaf as a stump, and then there was me. So I took up the responsibility.
The area manager and the two drivers who weren’t each other spouses said I did a good job for my first time out. I was (and still am) proud of myself for rising to the occasion. I’ve only been in a management/supervisorial position once before, for a few weeks, and that job was so extremely laid back (a night shift doing tech support for special monitors) and with so little supervision above me that it really didn’t feel like management.
Saturday is when things hit me. I was driving for the company, by myself with my thoughts and not feeling like listening to podcasts, so I wasn’t distracted from those thoughts. These things combined to leave me in a mood. I found myself wondering, “If I am this way, why wasn’t it discovered before? How could my life have been different, if I’d been taught how to deal with this long ago?”
I’ve let go of that at this point, especially after starting to research this condition. As I was reading about it, I was seeing quite a bit of myself in the symptoms, and on some review, I can see moments in my past that hammer the idea home. The conclusion I’ve come to is: I’m an undiagnosed adult with ADHD.
I’m self-diagnosing, and I know that I could be wrong. Way off, even. As I said, though, I sure seem to fit most of the symptoms on the websites I’ve looked at (WebMD and Wikipedia). Actual diagnosis is beyond my means right now, even if ADHD is a recognized disability, and treatment is way out there. Fortunately, there are ways for me to help myself, like lists and other things to help me keep on track and focused.
Coming to this realization the past few days has been like such things are often described. It’s like a light has burst from the clouds and and there was the singing of angels saying “There’s a reason for your life being like it is: You aren’t just a screw-up.” (Low self-esteem is a symptom.) Feeling I have something that I can be aware of means I can monitor my behavior a little better and try to find strategies to self-correct. Being aware of what’s happening, I’m seeing myself getting distracted and trying to refocus on my original thoughts.
I could probably write on this forever and a day (provided I don’t get distracted 🙂 ), but really, I’d be going around in circles, and none of us needs that, so I’ll end this week’s post here.